The woman of the Night's Watch
by indiecarr42
Summary: Alina was a young a beautiful girl , She had always been the pride of her town and everyboy wanted to marry her. Unforunately her father and brother were dead and she had selected a life at Castle Black as Paige .
1. Chapter 1

Alina took a deep breath as she reached for the small flat bladed knife with her free hand. She had the other hand holding the massive length of her pale blonde hair . Alina used the knife to slowly cut away her hair leaving it short again her head like a boy's. She then reached down to finish tightly wrapping her chest and pulling on her brother clothes so that she could look more like a boy.

Three months earlier her older brother Paige and her father were both killed fighting for Rob Stark , Alina had wanted to join them more than she could really explain. But her brother was killed first he died in the fight to capture Jamie Lannister and her father was killed at what they were now calling the red wedding along with most of Rob Stark's army . Alina's mother was broken by the time she heard of her husband's death and she almost immediately decided she had to go to King's Landing to stay with her brother and that the Eryie could no longer be her home . Alina told her mother that she was going to marry a boy across the sea and that she probably wouldn't ever see her again .It had occurred to Alina that her mother probably didn't believe that she was getting married , But it would be a lot easier for her and her uncle if they could just use that excuse for why she was gone.

The night was cold as Alina slipped out the door of the only home she had known. They had always lived a simple life her father owned a large piece of land and her mother was the handmaiden to the Lady of the Eryie , Alina was meant to someday marry one of the local boys and have lots of children but that hardly mattered anymore. Alina wrapped her white fur cloak around her as she walked down the plain road . Alina figured she looked just like every other recruit maybe even a little more prepared with her own long sword strapped to her hip. It took an entire night of walking before she reached town it wasn't hard for her to find the Night's Watch recruits they always looked so out of place when they came through towns. Alina walked up to the man who was clearly in charge and silently prayed that he would believe her disguise .

" My name is Paige Tariness , I'm here to go to the wall" Alina had a naturally deep voice by birth so she didn't have to try hard to throw her voice to sound like a man.

" We don't slow down for anyone be more prompt next time" The tall man then gestured to the small line forming behind single wagon . " Dont fall behind boy"

Alina nodded and walked back very slowly taking in all the people around her . She was now more aware that her disguise was sound and that she could really make it to the wall. She wrapped the cloak around her as they started to walk knowing that it would be no easy trek for anyone .


	2. Chapter 2

It took them two months to get to the wall but for Alina it might as well have been two years . She was good at hiding she really was but some of the men had started to notice that she didn't have beard and always walked to the other side of the forest to use the bathroom . But Alina had shown off her clear hunting skills as they got closer to the wall and farther from the towns and this had earned her a certain respect from the other recruits .

By the time they reached the wall everyone was exhausted and they had lost a fair amount of recruits along the way . To Alina the approach to the wall was amazing regardless of her own exhaustion. Alina was standing just behind the rangers when the entered the doors to Castle Black . Alina looked out into the courtyard watching the other brothers sparring with each other most of them didn't really appear to very good with a sword. Alina was deep in thought when she heard a man clear his throat just next to her. Standing just in front of her was Jon Snow she had heard about him from her brother but had never imagined that she would get to meet him. Alina looked up at the man he was taller than her but not by more than a few inches .

" You look a bit lost boy . You sure you want to be here " Jon spoke quickly but with authority.

" Yes I'm sure I want to be here . Are you sure you want to be here yourself " Alina spoke herself slightly aggressive and full of her own pride . Behind her she could hear several of the recruits and the other members of the Night's Watch gasp in shock . To Alina Jon Snow was just another person and she hardly needed to fear him.

" What was your name recruit I never caught it " Jon Snow sounded angry as he spoke making a clear effort that he had wrapped his hand around the handle of his own sword .

" Paige my name is Paige Tariness " Alina reached down to wrap her hand around the handle of her sword . Though Alina was scared of fighting the older man she didn't stagger or make it well known .

" You know how to handle a sword Paige " Jon slowly pulled his sword from his own belt trying to scare paige out of whatever they were about to get themselves into .

" My father taught me all I know " Alina started to pull her own sword out keeping her face dead straight and her voice not staggering a bit . Behind her Alina could hear men whispering and silencing each other as she waited for Jon to make his next move .

" Boys we've got ourselves a little swordsmen lets see what he can do " And with that Jon Snow removed his sword from his belt and walked into the center of the courtyard waiting for Alina to step forward herself . Without speaking Alina removed the sword from her belt and walked to face Jon. Alina hadn't been know for fighting but she was fairly confident that she could beat him or at least put up a good fight .

Jon Snow lunged first barely missing Alina as she slid herself onto the ground . Alina slid herself across the wet ground so that she was behind Jon. She then swung her sword nearly hitting him in shoulder before he dodged and swung at her in one motion. Alina moved much faster as he swung towards her this time moving just below the blade before bringing her leg out to kick him below the knees . While he was staggering Alina went to swing again this time more centered around his chest . But Jon recovered quicker than Alina had expected and blocked her swing with his own sword pushing her back as he did so . When Elena found her footing again Jon swung this time aiming directly for her stomach . Alina slid herself onto the ground again this time inchs away from the sword . Alina laid on the ground for a moment waiting for Jon to come to see if she was still breathing before raising her blade to his neck very slowly . Alina smiled coyly while waiting for Jon to call the fight .

" I do believe that I have won Lord Snow " She teased as he stood up to let her off the ground .

" Never seen a low born fight like that who are you " Jon Snow said as she turned back to the other recruits . Jon Snow was fascinated by this boy he had never met anyone who could counter the way that Paige just had.

" I'm just a low born boy with a father who fought for the Starks " Alina slid the sword back into her belt barely turning back to Jon. " That was fun we should do it again sometime "


	3. Chapter 3

It was cold at the Wall colder than anything Alina had ever felt before . But Alina loved the cold even though she could feel the cold in her bones she loved it . Alina's favorite place was at the top of the wall staring out into the great north. Alina was leaning over the wall staring into the deep black night when she heard someone walk up behind her . Alina turned her head softly seeing one Jon Snow next to her .

" Paige you should be in bed not up here " Jon's voice sounded hoarse but soft like he was trying his hardest to be nicer Alina .

" I like it up here I know it sounds stupid but I can see for miles and it takes the edge off" Alina's tried to sound tough and like a hardened recruit .

" It's nice that's for sure " Jon spoke softly leaning over the edge as he turned to Alina . " How does a lowborn boy learn to fight like you"

" I wasnt lying when I told you that my father fought for the Starks in the uprising and when Ned Stark was killed my father and my brother followed Rob Stark . They left for the war just after Rob Stark called for his army . My brother was killed getting Jaime Lannister and my father was killed next to your brother by Walter Frey himself . " Alina spoke softly and sadly looking out into the black night . " My father taught me and my brother to fight when we were growing up . "

" I'm sorry that they didn't make it Paige . But your father must have been an excellent fighter to stand with my brother. And I can see that he passed on some of that skill onto you. " Jon turned to look at Alina his face full of compassion . " I was impressed that you put up such a fight and even more I was impressed that you beat me that isn't usually an easy task"

" Well thank you Jon Snow . It was nice to have a real fight " Alina was flattered by Jon's statement and looked down at her feet when she spoke . " My father always spoke fondly of the Night's Watch ...I hope he wasn't wrong " Her voice sounded cold and full of steel as she spoke about her father.

" Did he fill your head with lies about honor and duty . About how being the the night's watch makes you a better person then if you weren't one of us " Jon sounded bitter as he spoke like he had heard that lie from hundreds of recruits before.

" No actually he spoke of how beautiful it was beyond the wall and how life wasn't good for men of the Night's Watch but that the world needed them now more than ever" Alina spoke softly before turning to leave her former thinking spot . " I should get going Lord Snow all that thinking and what not tired me out " Alina joked softly as she boarded the wooden elevator .

Jon Snow looked at her as she slowly left his view. With a long sigh he ran his hands through his long black curls . To him Paige was everything that he needed in a person except Paige was a boy and Jon knew that he could never love a boy and be Lord Commander of the Night's Watch.


	4. Chapter 4

Alina excelled as a fighter , But she loved teaching the other recruits what she knew . Alina knew that Jon Snow had taken a liking to her and she wasn't really sure how she felt about him taking special interest in her .

Alina was sitting in the armory polishing her sword when she heard a small bark behind her . She turned to see Ghost just behind her . Alina had formed a relationship with the wolf , She would feed him scraps and he would keep her company when she was alone . Ghost walked over to her rubbing his head against her side . Alina pulled a small strip of meat out of her pocket and handed it to him rubbing the top of his soft head as she did so . Ghost laid down next to her and Alina returned to polishing her sword .

" He doesn't usually let people touch him . You must be something specail " Alina nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard Jon Snow speak from behind her . Ghost lifted up his head but didnt move from Alina's side .

"Well as our little secret I sneak him snacks a few times a week . Off of my plate of course " Alina set down her sword and ran her fingers through Ghost's fur . " Everyone seems to be afraid of him and I dont understand why they would be . A little food and he's my friend for life ." Alina smiled before picking her sword up and returning to polishing it .

" Your the strangest boy I've ever met paige . " Jon joked before walking closer to Alina and Ghost . " I've never seen Ghost be the close to anyone but me . It's odd to see him this relaxed" Jon kneeled down and rubbed the wolf's large head smiling as he did so .

" Ghost is a beautiful animal Jon Snow it's a shame that everyone is so afraid of him " Alina said as she continued to polish her sword .

Jon Snow had no response to Paige's comment he just sat down with the two of them trying to put his thoughts together . Something about Paige reminded him of Arya but he couldn't quite figure out what it was .

"I was actually looking for you Paige " He spoke softly looking up at her softly . " The Rangers are taking a short trip north . Their just going for a night and then coming back but I wanted to invite you . We could use your skills out there " Jon looked at her waiting for her reply not sure if it was a mistake to ask Paige to go with them .

" I'd love to go . But I dont want to be a bother . " Alina accepted his offer but had to be sure that he really wanted her to go before she could get excited .

" Of course we want you Paige " Jon stood up giving Ghost one last scratch before turning to the leave . "Be ready by sundown tomorrow "


	5. Chapter 5

Alina signed as she pulled on her black cloak around her shoulders . Alina couldn't help but be scared as she imagined what things would be like beyond the wall . Alina had grown up with stories of terrible wildlings and monsters that ate young children , And even though she was aware that she would be fairly safe with Jon and the others she couldn't quite get over her fear of the unknown.

Alina walked out of the recruits quarters tightening her belt as she did so . The men were standing in a large group each on one of the signature black or white horses the rangers always rode . Alina wasn't quiter sure what to do and was trying to figure out who to talk to when she heard Jon clear his throat

"Can you ride Paige" Alina turned back to see the tall man her snow blond hair falling across her her forehead . Jon looked slightly amused by her confusion and gestured over to the free horses .

" Yes I can ride my father taught me when I was very young " She spoke quickly almost like she was trying to cover up something as she spoke . " I didn't know if recruits got the privilege to ride "  
" It'd be far to slow to have you lot walking behind. and you're the only recruit who is going with us " Jon started to walk over to one of the black horses . When he reached the large creature he pulled the reins slightly and waited for Alina . " I hope you can really ride Paige these guys aren't the easiest to handle. " Alina smiled at his comment before taking the reins herself and pulling herself onto the saddle. Alina had loved riding growing up and she was really a very good rider .

" I do believe I can manage Jon Snow " Alina teased before waiting for Jon to mount his own horse . She pulled on the reins slightly so that she could mover her horse to the back of the group trying not to cause any trouble .

" Paige you ride in the middle . It's your first time beyond the wall you should be well protected " Alina slowly moved the large animal to the center of the group trying to hide her own embarrassment . Alina swallowed hardly when she heard the door to the tunnel open, It was suddenly made apparent to her that she really would be riding beyond the wall and with rangers at that .

After exiting the tunnel they rode for hours Alina could watch as the stars slowly came into view, Jon had told the group earlier that they were riding to a wildling camp not far from the wall . Jon was very vague when discussing the details of their movements . Alina was nearly positive that she and the other rangers would be killing the wildlings . Alina rode in horror as she thought about killing innocent people .

It was nearly sunrise when they reached their destination . The wildling camp was really more like a small town or village . Alina was amazed by what she saw . She had always heard that the Wildlings were monstrous beings but there were children here and woman tending to fires and cooking what looked like rabbit not people . Alina was truly startled by how similar the wildlings were to the people she had grown up with.

People seemed to recognize John as they rode quietly through the camp and from what she could tell people didn't mind him in the slightest. Alina was fascinated by the people around her and how they reacted to Jon. Alina pulled back on the reigns having her horse stop just behind the others as they waited for something to happen. Alina didn't know what this something was but she sat and waited until a large red bearded man stepped out of the tent.


	6. Chapter 6

Alina sat with the other men of the night's watch for what seemed like hours. People seemed to be afraid of them and Alina honestly couldn't blame them. Alina's fellow brothers didn't make a single effort to make relations with them any better. Alina sat quietly polishing her sword as she waited for Jon to emerge from the tent.

The sun was starting to go back over the edge of the mountains when Jon finally emerged from the tent. He gave the red haired man one final soft goodbye before walking back over to Alina and the others.

"We should get back before nightfall" Jon said before mounting his own horse. Alina followed quietly after him and the others.

The ride back felt like it took forever. The cold air brushed against Alina's pale skin as they crossed over fields of snow and trees. It was well past dark by the time they entered the tunnel and returned to their home. Everyone seemed to grumble about something as they all returned there horses and tack to the stables.

Alina could feel her wraps cutting deep into her chest as she returned the last of her equipment to the racks. She could barely handle it as she waited for the rest of her brothers to exit the room. Alina spotted Ghost as the creature trotted in just behind the last man who exited. She could barely get a breath in as she crouched down in one on the stalls.

"Keep watch Ghost" She said quietly before throwing the creature a piece of meat. Alina looked around once more before reaching down to pull of her cloak and tunic. She could see black and blue bruises that spread around her ribs from her bandages. Alina looked around again before starting to loosen the wraps. She could instantly feel her lungs expand to let in more air and she could feel the pressure lift off of her bones. Alina removed the rest of her wraps before sitting down on the straw to catch her breath. She didn't care if she got sick she just had to breath for a while.

Alina thought about her time here and whether or not it was all worth it. She was starting to get sick of hiding all the time and having to keep her guard up so high. She ran her hands through her soft white hair and waited for a long time. She let the cold air fill her lungs enjoying the numbness that spread through the wounds as she did so.

Alina was deep in thought when she heard someone open a door behind her. She grabbed her clothes and stood up quickly clutching the cloth across her chest.

"I can explain " Alina choked out not yet noticing who had entered the room.

"Paige You're a girl"Alina could barely register Jon's deep baritone as she started to shake from fear.

Alina couldn't bring herself to say that she was so she just nodded and looked down at her feet. She was sure to die or be sent away she had no doubt about it. She tried to look up at him but always found herself too embarrassed and just returned to looking at her feet.

"May I please have a moment to get decent" She said her voice soft and broken sounding. She was too afraid to look back up at the man.

"I suppose that is the next step" With that Jon turned around to allow Alina to rewrap herself. Alina winced loudly as she wrapped the cloth around her chest and pulled her tunic back on.

"You can look now" She said quietly. Somehow Jon was more aware of the feminine traits on her now and noticed how beautiful the girl was.

"I believe you should start at the beginning " Jon said he didn't want her to feel like he would hurt her but he could still see the pain and fear on the girl's face. " I'm not going to hurt you" He said ever quieter than before.

"Paige was my brothers name. My real name is Alina Tarrines" The girl spoke softly but more clear than before. "I did come here after my brother and father died but it was to escape a life in king's landing with my mother and uncle." She continued with her story quietly . " My uncle was going to marry me off to one of his friends and I couldn't let that happen. So I came here and this is where I have been. I have told you as much truth as possible I promise. " She finished and stood waiting for Jon to respond.

"I don't know Paige I mean Alina " Jon was puzzled by what to do with the this girl. She was by far the best fighter in all of the night's watch but she also a girl and he couldn't let her get hurt. "You know what will happen if the others find out don't you"

Alina nodded softly and looked at him scared. She couldn't let those things happen to her. "Please don't let anyone know" She said her voice full of sudden fear.

"I won't but you have to be more careful. Others wont be as kind as me" Jon turned away for a moment before turning back to the scared girl. " When we do assignments in two days you'll be my steward." He said to her trying to make her feel safer with him. "Also I'll tell sam and the master to attend to your wounds they look pretty serious. " And with that Jon left the cold room and Alina.


	7. Chapter 7

Alina took a deep shaky breath as she carefully brought her hand up to knock on the heavy wooden door. She was suddenly aware of every labored breath as she tried to put herself together before Sam answered. Alina had seen him around but hadn't really spoken to him since she arrived. "The commander told me to see you. Jon said you could be trusted" She spoke softly and kindly but also just firm enough to convey the seriousness in the moment. Same looked at her with wide eyes before gesturing for her to enter. Alina walked in the room slowly taking small steps as she did so. "Jon told me you could help" She said shaky before closing the door behind her. They were alone in the large room. "Please don't say anything" She said before reaching to unlace her tunic. "Paige. Please remain composed. I don't know what Jon told you but I like girls. Well really I like one girl but..." Same hammered on as Alina continued to loosen the straps on the front. "Sam. I am a girl" She said just as she removed the fabric from her body. Same could clearly see the deep bruises and wraps around her chest. "Please just help me" She said desperately as she stood exposed in front of him. "Oh gods. I suppose I should help while you explain. Come here" Sam said he gestured on her to sit on a stool in front of him. Alina sat down carefully and took deep breaths as Sam started to remove the constricting wraps. "My brother died and so did my father. I needed somewhere to go. So I chopped my hair and joined. " Alina gave him an abridged story as he started to treat the severe bruises on her body. "There's not a lot I can do for these. But I can give you a bruise salve that should help them clear up. And you should wait for them heal before you wrap again. " Sam searched the crowded shelves for a small jar before carefully handing it to Alina. She wrapped her hands around the jar before looking down at her feet. "What if I can't let them heal first." She asked her voice full of genuine terror. "I can't let anyone find out. The wall is full of rapists and thieves. I'd be dead before the morning" She said before reaching to unscrew the lid off of the small jar. Alina carefully rubbed the salve over her bruises trying her hardest not to wince as she did so. Sam didn't respond to her at first he simply just sighed. He looked at the girl in front of him, she was undoubtedly strong beyond most and he could see a strength in her that nobody else had. "Then I suppose. You'll have to be strong" He said before walking over to her. Same carefully picked up one of her many bandages and began to wrap it around her chest carefully as he tried to avoid hurting the girl. Her back shook softly as the sudden pressure returned but Alina did not whimper or cry in pain. Instead she sat up perfectly straight. After what seemed like an eternity Alina slipped her tunic back on and stood up perfectly straight. Nobody would know that she was in intense pain and could hardly stand. "Thank you Sam. You truly are the man that Jon thinks you are" She said in a very feminine and sweet manner. With that Alina walked out of the dark office and returned to her duties not even batting an eyelash as she walked. 


	8. Chapter 8

Alina took a deep shaky breath as she carefully pulled the cloth around her chest yet again. While she did notably feel better and her bruises had cleared up she still took deep labored breaths. She carefully pulled on her tunic and stared at the wall in front of her, today was the day that she would officially become a man of the night's watch and the day that she would be named as Jon Snow's steward. Alina knew that it was an honor to be named in such a position but Alina couldn't help but wonder if Jon just did it to protect her not because she earned it.

Alina sighed one more time before walking out into the dirty courtyard, all the men she would now call her brothers stood lined up together. Though many of them were criminals she knew some that were good people, like Sam and Jon. Alina took a deep breath as she stood among the men and couldn't help but shake a little.

She listened carefully paying close attention to the names that were listed off. Alina gasped ever so slightly when she heard her name among the stewards. Alina really was going to be Jon's Steward, he had held his promise true. She stood and waited hoping that she would get a chance to make her oath to the night's watch sooner rather than later. Her snow white hair laid across her face as she waited.

"Men. Today you become one of us. You will join some of the bravest and strongest men in all the relm. There are real threats coming for us and we need you now more than ever. But that being said today is the last time you may leave. If you want to run now is the chance." Alina could see Jon staring directly at her and couldn't help but feel that the message was meant for her and her alone. Behind her Alina could hear several people mutter about staying and even heard one rise to leave. "But tonight we shall celebrate. Our new brothers and after you make your oath we shall drink and make merry till the sun rises. For all those who wish to say their oath in front of the weirwood tree I will lead you beyond the wall. For everyone else Sam will lead your outh's here" Alina could see an ever so subtle hint in Jon's eye telling her to follow him and stood to follow him as the tall man left. She was alone when she met him by the gate and knew almost too well that she probably would be alone the whole walk.

Alina wrapped her cloak around her as they walked down the tunnel in perfect silence, She couldn't bring herself to thank him until they reached the other side fearing that someone else might hear. When they emerged out the other side she stopped dead in her tracks and turned to the dark haired man in front of her.

"Thank you Jon Snow. I have never seen anyone show kindness like you have to me. I am proud to serve you and the nights watch" She said that with a slight teary quality in her voice that she had only used when she heard of her brother and father's deaths. She looked up at him her eyes full of gratitude and quietly returned to walking.

"You're special Pai...I mean Alina. I've only ever met one girl like you and I cared very deeply for her" Jon said as they walked through the dark and the cold. He realized long ago that Alina reminded him of Ygritte and figured that, that's why he felt so compelled to save her. "You would make a good commander someday and perhaps even a ranger"

Alina smiled softly as they walked through the snow. She enjoyed the feeling of the cold air in her damaged lungs and the slight drag of her cloak on the fresh snow behind her. She wondered who the girl that he spoke of was, he wondered if perhaps it was one of the Stark sisters or maybe even a past love. But regardless she enjoyed the silence between them.

When they reached the Weirwood tree Alina couldn't help but gasp, the tree near her home was so small and frail compared to this one. This tree was strong and proud much like Alina hoped to be someday. She carefully reached her hand out to run her frail fingers across the bark before waiting for Jon's instructions.

"You know this is where i took my oath. That seems like a lifetime ago now though" He said lightly brushing the tree himself. "Would you like to make the oath with your real name? I suppose that would make it more meaningful" He said with a certain kindness that warmed Alina's heart.

"Yes please. I'd feel bad if I made my oath in my brother's name. " She said before lowering her head in proper form to swear.

"Repeat after me please." Jon said in a stern but gentle voice that made Alina feel even closer now than she was before. "The night gathers, And now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, and father no children" Alina repeated after him softly in a way that made it seem more like a prayer then an oath. "I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness" Jon couldn't help but look at the white haired girl as she repeated. To him she seemed so genuine and the slight tears that streamed down her cheeks seemed real. "I am the watcher of the walls. I am the fire that burns through the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men. " Alina lifted her head up and looked Jon straight in the eyes as she repeated the last line, her eyes clearly filled with tears as she spoke. " I pledge my life and honor to the Night's watch, for this night and all nights to come"

Alina didn't break eye contact with Jon as she finished her oath, she wanted him to know that she really meant it when she swore to serve the Night's Watch. She only broke eye contact when she bowed her head slightly to wipe her tear filled eyes. Alina wanted to say more but found herself silent as she waited for Jon to speak to her again.

"Alina..." Jon couldn't bring himself to say anymore to the girl and just muttered her name hoping that it would send the message he wanted it to. Jon knew that he wanted to hold this girl and kiss her like he'd never kissed anyone else before. She was so strong and brave, he knew that she was the girl he wanted by his side. Jon knew that he would have tried to marry her if the situation was different, if they had met before he'd left winterfell. Jon couldn't help but wonder what kind of beauty she was before she'd hardened herself for the Night's Watch. What she looked like with her hair long and beautiful, what her curves looked like in a silk dress. He figured that Alina must have been stunning before any of this happened.

"You'll be the finest brother among us" Jon finally added after what seemed like an eternity of thinking to himself. Jon reached down and picked up the blonde's hand holding it in his own as if it were made of porcelain. He wanted to never let go of that hand even if it meant lying to everyone of his brothers. Alina looked up at the man looking startled, unsure of what the other was trying to say to her. Jon slowly started to pull her closer, enjoying how perfect she looked with her white hair falling over her pale and blushing face. In this moment she was the whole world to him and nothing else mattered even in the slightest. When she was close enough her wrapped an arm gracefully around her waist pulling her against him softly as he did so. He wanted to feel every corner of her right then. Every curve that he could find he wanted to get to know. Now that there were only inches between them Jon could feel the steady beating of her heart and the labored pain of her breathes.

"Jon..." She whispered before being swept up into a passionate kiss with the dark haired man. In that moment Alina felt infinite, like she couldn't tell where she ended and Jon began. Alina wrapped her arms tightly around him letting her guard down as he held her. She let herself cry in this moment because it had been so long since she had ever been held by someone who loved her like she now knew Jon loved her. As they began to hold each other so tight that they thought they might break both Jon and Alina hoped this moment would last forever.


	9. Chapter 9

Alina was the first to pull away, and it wasn't because she didn't love kissing Jon. it was ultimately because she could feel the snow falling against the skin and was more aware of the reality around her. This was something that would never really be no matter how safe she felt, no matter how happy she was to be with him. She would never be his lady and he would never really hold her like this. At Least none of that could happen at Castle Black.

However the two didn't lose their closeness, Jon still held on to her just as tightly as Alina held back onto him. The two seemed to be together as one as they rested their heads on each others. Neither of them spoke because neither of them could bring themselves to do it, Jon didn't know how to articulate the things that he felt about her and Alina was scared to admit that she was falling head over heels for Jon Snow. She could feel every muscle in his back as she held him and could feel every movement as he breathed carefully and softly. Jon could feel the curves of Alina's back and the pain that her muscles must hold. He never wanted her to hurt like this again even though he knew it was an inevitable aspect of her life now. He thought about his sisters both of whom he knew hurt more than he could imagine. Jon thought of Arya who was strong like Alina and probably wouldn't even bring up how bad something hurt, just like the girl he held in his arms now. He thought about Sansa who he'd heard was married to Ramsay Bolton and how strong she must be now to still be with him. Jon saw that same strength every time Alina breathed knowing that she must be suffering so much to be here.

"We should be getting back" The words dripped from Jon's mouth almost completely out of his control. He wanted to stay here with Alina beneath the Weirwood tree where they were truly alone and free. But he couldn't the men at castle black a;ready we're starting to resist his lead and he knew it would only get worse if he brought the wildlings south like he planned to. He couldn't risk putting himself in more danger now that he was hiding Alina's secret. He let go of her in that moment and watched as Alina's face grew more somber than he had ever seen it.

"I suppose that would be best" She said as she turned away from Jon, Alina could feel her heart both soar with happiness and break just a little bit. She knew that she could never be Jon's wife and that if they did really continue this it would always been in secret places like the weirwood tree. Alina started to walk back letting her footsteps drag through the snow as she walked.

Jon wanted to say more but he couldn't bring himself to, he knew how painful it was to never be able to really reach happiness and figured that he should just follow her through the snow. They walked for what seemed like an eternity before either one of them spoke or looked at the other again. It was Jon who spoke first, he had to make this girl feel better and more importantly she had to feel safe and loved with him.

"You know. Now that you're my steward you have your own quarters. Not that there's anything special but you can maybe take your wraps off more often" Jon tried to make her feel better but he just couldn't, the girl in front of his started to weep in silence. Alina didn't know why Jon did any of this, why he wanted to save her, why he didn't just reveal her secret or worse why he didn't kill her. She chopped it down to Jon needing a bed warmer during the winter nights and that, that was all she was good for. Alina stopped walking and just stood among the snowy drifts trying to calm herself before they reached Castle Black again. She said nothing to Jon and simply took a few deep breaths before walking again. Alina didn't want to be weak and just wanted to be like everyone else at Castle Black, nothing.

The whole walk Jon knew that Alina was weeping but couldn't figure out how to comfort her, despite how much he wanted to. He instead followed her hoping that perhaps when they were alone again he could make her feel better. When they reached the tunnel Alina was completely composed with her face only red from the cold and her white blonde hair swept up on her forehead. She wanted to celebrate like a real brother of the watch tonight and drink until the sun rose again. Then she planned to return to her new quarters where hopefully she could put together what had just happened to her. Alina had to figure out if she really did want the life that she was about to have or if she had made a terrible mistake kissing Jon. She honestly didn't even know herself and certainly wasn't going to figure out any time soon.


End file.
